Just over a month ago I remember being a bundle of nerves, leaving my best friend and everything I was used too for a city I hardly knew and the idea that it was the next step I needed to take.
High School was alright. But when I look back on it - there wasn't much positive. Moving to a new city was terrifying. Not knowing anyone. I never believed I was capable of meeting as many amazing people as I did. I never believed I was capable of having that many people like me.
When people pick on you for being yourself you never truely believe that you can be yourself. But Wellington, I was myself, I embraced myself. My loud laugh, annoying screams and in your face passion for business. I tried to connect with everyone and anyone.
The "hello my name's Rebecca, do you want to be friends" line that didn't work so well 8 years ago at Junior High became my best friend. Everyone was in the same boat. Everyone was nervous and majority of the people I talked too made everything so much easier.
Now being sucked away from it all - locked down in my house. Back in my old room that doesn't even feel like mine anymore. Dreaming about Capital. Missing the waterfront. Wishing I could puff up the Dixon Steps one more time. It feels like possibly that month I just experienced. The month of amazing memories, with people I didn't even know existed - was a dream. Maybe I made it up. It feels surreal that all of that could have happened in a month.
The cardboard stash, drunken nights to town, lectures, tutorials, all nighters, 6am chats, a different spot in the corridor overtaken with giggles every night, the singing, movie nights, Priscilla, Interfloor touch. Floor 5 in general. The people. The food. The RA's.
I miss it. I miss everyone and I miss Wellington.
This isn't how it is meant to be.
I was meant to fly to Wellington and not comeback for a long time. I was meant to be starting my new life. One with new people, in a new city, in a new building. This isn't how it is meant to be. But I guess it's not how it's meant to be for anyone. Jobs are being sucked away, supermarkets are now scary. There are no cars on the roads. No people out and about. And New Zealand is still. The world is still.
But isn't it the perfect time to work on ourselves? For the majority - We are stuck inside with internet and devices. We are stuck inside with ourselves and able bodies. We have the opportunity to build on our goals. Work on our businesses. Catch up on readings. Start a youtube channel. Get our dream bodies and there really is only one thing that could hold us back right now. US. OUR WILLPOWER. What we feel like doing and how we want to spend our time is completely up to us. It sounds so easy typing that out. And my brain is trying to make the most of all the time I have with myself.
But... It's hard. When you don't know how long this is going to take.
When really you are sad.
You are okay. And coping. But sad.
I don't like this. And I am not okay. This isn't how it is meant to be.
When I was in Welly I appreciated it all.
Walking home from Uni with my headphones blasting some Mitch James. The sun on my face and warming up my skin. No clouds in the sky and a gorgeous view of the water in the distance. It was the best feeling. Knowing I was finally where I had wanted to be after so long and so much hurting.
OR a simple stroll to the waterfront in the Wellington wind. A Tank of the Week in hand and one or four great friends by my side. Seeing the waterfront. On any day - a tank day or any day was amazing. Breathing in the fresh air. People watching and just being grateful for how everything worked out.
But it didn't work out. I am back at home and we have to wait off this virus.
It WILL work out though. And I need to be on my A game for when it does.
So I DO need to hustle and work and use this time to my advantage.
There are no distractions. There is no Capital member sitting in my room, laughing with me til the early hours of the night. And I am not in the common room having a deep chat with someone else. I am here. By myself. In a house with all of the capabilities of achieving so much.
So that is what I am going to do. As difficult as it may be.
And if you read this all and you feel the same or you don't feel the same.
I hope you are okay.
I hope you are staying safe.
I hope that whatever difficulties your brain decides to throw at you in this time,
I hope you are capable of dealing with it.
And if you aren't. I hope you know that I am here.
I may be bad at communication but we all need to help each other.
Stay safe, stay home. And hopefully this won't last too long...
xx Rebecca Marie